the ten commandments (for avoiding ladyboys)

1.  if she seems too good to be true….she is

2.  the darkness is her personal servant, and she will use it as a weapon against you.  plus, can you really trust your vision in a dark club when you’ve had four buckets of vodka redbull?  i know i can’t.  therefore, i ask of thee: GET SOME LIGHT ON HER FACE.  invite her to be in a photo with you.  if she’s against it, SKEPTICISM.  give her a cigarette and then offer to light it, but keep missing the cigarette cause you are really combing her face for masculine properties.  or just carry a giant flashlight around with you like i do.

3.  hand and foot size.

4.  voice.  this one seems obvious, but sometimes you like to say, “well maybe it’s just a cute girl with an unfortunate vocal situation” and let her good looks sway you away from the fact that she sounds like the lead singer from the band “o children” (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uh1o_03ilQY).  immediately get skeptical when a girl has a voice deeper than you.  unless your name is alvin.  and you are a chipmunk.

5.  THE POWER OF THE QUESTION: do not, i repeat, do not be afraid, in times of doubt, to flat out ask your POI if they are a lady boy!!  everyone i have ever known to be pretty sure they were chatting up a ladyboy, and came right out and asked, recieved a truthful answer.  ladyboys can’t lie.  i mean, why would they?  it’s their life, they chose it, and they’ve got nothing to hide, right?  (except that schlong tucked between their legs)

6.  choice of clubs.  there are some clubs in bangkok which are known hooker and ladyboy clubs.  if you meet a girl there, ASSUME she is one of the two.  and if you meet a girl who doesn’t fall into this category, consider yourself lucky.  extremely.  well, but then again, it’s you we’re talking about, so there’s probably something else wrong with her… (oh come on!  i’ve seen the ladies you bring home.  nothing to beat your chest about)

7.  ladyboys tend to roll solo.  ask who she is there with.  “nobody?  just you and your penis, i see?”

8.  ladyboys are more aggressive than most women.  they might brush by you erotically or stare at you seductively and, let’s face it, real women aren’t into those kind of machinations

9.  clothing choice is conspicuous.  inspect your suspect for anything that could hide a boy’s anatomical parts easily, like a LONG OPAQUE SKIRT, some baggy pants, a sarong, one of those bear-hide carpets that rich people always have in the movies, a twister mat, a pizza box, or something of that breadth

is that...britney spears!??

10.  shakira said it best: “hips don’t lie”.  what do women do?  pop out babies.  thus, they need a solid set of hips to accomodate the baby popping.  if you don’t see at least a slight curve of the hips, chances are she wasn’t ever meant to have babies in the first place.  (*austin powers voice*)  that’s not your lover, it’s a man, baybee!