why bangkok makes more sense than anywhere else in the world

1.  signs of the street names FACE you when you drive along that street.  meaning that, i don’t have to swivel my head sideways and try to read the sign quickly as i drive past it and rear end the shit out of somebody because i took my eyes off the road.

2.  all of the street food–the vast majority of it, anyhow–has a sign hovering around it that denotes the price of this mango/coffee/heart attack inducing bacon-wrapped sausage stick.  unlike cambodia and vietnam, where buying an apple is an absolute struggle and you get charged a special tax just for being a foreigner (lucky you!).  the price signs aren’t even that necessary once you learn that all of the prices in thailand are universal!  pad thai?  30 baht.  EVERYWHERE.

3.  when you buy any beverage at a convenience store, they give you a bag, your drink inside that bag, and a STRAW.  genius, right?  you see, a straw enables the liquid to enter my stomach directly, and not make a pit stop at my dental region, which is exactly what coffee has a propensity for doing, and then staying there for the next 12 hours.  straws don’t get enough love from the rest of the world.  but thailand knows what up.

4.   do you ever wake up at 4 am and say “damn.  i really wish pizza hut was open right now.”  or maybe not pizza hut.  maybe you want a subway footlong?  well, neither the pizza hut or subway shops are open 24 hours in thailand, but that’s okay, because there’s food, ALWAYS within walking distance of you, that IS open in the middle of the night/buttcrack of dawn.  bangkok loves insomniacs.

5.  price haggling.  WHAT A CONCEPT.  SOMEBODY IMPORT THIS INTO AMERICA.

6.  everything runs on a special clock in thailand, something everyone likes to refer as “thai time.”  all of the punctuality of the japanese society has no place in this one.  thai students show up for class no earlier than 20 minutes after class was scheduled to start.  even the teachers are like, “ahh, fuck it.  i’ll be late too.”  because nobody wants to get grey hairs over being a few minutes late.  first date?  better show up late.  or else your date is going to think you’re a total loser.

7.  sure, it’s another language.  and even though making those tonal sounds is a little cumbersome, thai’s are accepting toward your butcherment of their language because hey, you’re trying.  they don’t laugh at you, or throw eggs at you, but they will give you a mini-thai lesson, absolutely free.  i’ve been to other southeast asian countries where, upon failing to convey a message in the native tongue to somebody, they call other people over.  “oh great, maybe this person speaks english,” i think.  nuh-unh.  they call over the brigade so they can ALSO gawk and stare at you with a blank face.  and before you know it, you are surrounded by 20 people just staring at you with cold, dead eyes, wondering why you even attempted to speak vietnamese in the first place.

8.  everyone is smiling.  always.  it’s contagious and it minimizes your bad days.  if you just found out you had testicular cancer, i’m sure you’d have forgot about it by that night.  such is the dearth of negativity in this country.

9.  transporting yourself around is a cinch.  you have a ton of options.  will you be taking a taxi, sir?  or would you like to saddle up on a motorbike taxi?  how bout the subway?  skyrail?  care to test your fate in a TUK TUK??  (a tuk tuk, for those in the dark, is like an evil version of santa’s sled.  it’s wicked.)

10.  infinite tolerance.  you’d be hard pressed to find a country more tolerant of alternative lifestyles than this. this is a country where gays aren’t just accepted, but if they go an extra step and live their life as the opposite gender, then that is just peaches.  people who are poor, ugly, mustached women, fat people, midget breakdancers, hey, EVERYONE can live here, free of being chastised.

11.  living here in bangkok, sometimes you feel like you are part of the world’s biggest zoo exhibit.  there are stray dogs and cats everywhere you look.  none of them are running around, terrorizing the town with rabies.  and they aren’t neutered and living caged up in some pop diva’s purse.  they are living free lives, the same as before man domesticated them.  seem pretty happy to me.

12.  you can get away with most anything here, because the thai people will let you, but that doesn’t mean they are pushovers.  not in the slightest.  there are few cultural taboos here, but they do exist, and if you break one, then thai people have the ability to go from fun loving smiley guy to muai thai world champion in a matter of seconds and make sure you think twice next time you think about urinating on that buddha shrine.

13.  hedonism is a central part of the culture.  it seems like everyone’s got a tattoo, or is getting a massage, conversing with hookers, and so forth.  if it feels good, why not?  that seems to be a running theme around here.

warrior training. part 1

and so… the journey begins.  and it all started with a man named TEA.  old man tea, my thai food advisor and local alley cat delivered me exactly what i asked for.  i knew what i wanted; a large, clean, air-conditioned, foreigner-friendly, easily accessible muai thai gym was not it.  no.  i wanted that grungy, janky, beaten-down, grimy, dilapidated, foreign-to-foreigners, third world gym.  and i got more than i bargained for.

i followed tea through a series of alleys, which became passageways, which became tunnels, and suddenly we were there.  i didn’t see it coming because, if you don’t walk directly in front of the entrance, no signs discern that yes, this is a muai thai boxing gym.  and you’d NEVER suspect that any talent made it’s way out of this place, let alone a champion at ratchadamnoen stadium (that’s the big one, guys).  but there is, and his name is jahk, and he was my trainer for the day.  and by “for the day”, i mean 1/2 hour, but godDAMN it was the most grueling shit ever.  endless jab, cross, kick combos.  as jahk would call out “1, 2!” i’d throw the combo, and then he’d say “kick!” and i’d swing my leg for all it was worth, like it was attached by a flabby little piece of skin, and my goal was to kick it right off.

this drill was so exhausting that i effectively forgot about the other pain that had been inhabiting my body for the past two weeks, my shredded lip and my missing tooth (that’s…another story.  (which you can read about in the previous blog entry)).  at one point, a beer-bellied man in a redbull shirt strolled in and tea barked at me to wai him (the thai version of the bow), insinuating that he was a P.O.I.  how am i supposed to differentiate between the royalty and the slack jawed yokels loafing around out front?  anyways, mr. redbull shirt is a promoter, which means that if i’m going to be fighting competitively, this is the guy to get in with.  mental note: watch myself around this guy.

the workout concluded, and i was struggling to fill my lungs with air.  jahk cooed me to the corner and dumped a bucket of Titanic-crash-site-frigid water all over me.  i went from a hot tamale to human icicle in nano-seconds.

after that, i caught my breath, stripped off the muai thai shorts they lent me, which i absolutely destroyed with ass sweat, waied the shit out of everyone (of my own, probably culturally-incorrect, accord), and i was hooked.  this was a huge moment.  when it all took place: the birth of a [champion/loser] …. that’s TBD

oh, i’ll say this.  i shocked the HELL out of all the thai guys with my “basic knowledge”.  look out y’all.  don’t think you’ve seen everything yet.